Twenty-twelve

We are now in the last hours of 2012.
I won't be sorry to see the ball drop and a new year ushered in. 2012 has been a year of change, of incredible lows and of new normals. It has also been a year of truly learning the meaning of 2nd Corinthians 12:9 "And HE said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness."
Five days into the new year I found myself unemployed for the first time in thirty-four years. I was numb, frightened and angry. I cried out to GOD " Why, did YOU allow this to happen?" I had been in banking since I was 19 years old and continued to advance. I had climbed the corporate ladder while trying to keep my principals high and my eyes on GOD. Now within the course of a couple of days it was gone. Why GOD,why?
My FATHER allowed me to cry and question HIM and even doubt HIS goodness (but only for a moment) while all the time whispering "Trust ME. MY grace is surely sufficient for you." So, although I still didn't understand... I trusted HIM, who held all of my tomorrow's.
As the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months I realized how mentally and physically exhausted I had been. I started to recognize the toll that the past year had taken on me. And so I rested, not knowing my greatest test was just ahead.
On May 3rd my mother called to ask if I could take her to the doctor as she had been fighting a respiratory problem for the past few weeks. When we got to the doctor they were shocked to find her oxygen in the upper 70's and insisted on admitting her to the hospital immediately. So began "The Hardest Time of All". Mom would be in the hospital (with a couple of short but blessed reprieves) until the end of August.
Because I was unemployed during this time ( remember my FATHER asking me to trust HIM? ) I was able to be by her side throughout throughout those four months.
They were months filled with pain and fear but also with more laughter then you could imagine. As our beloved Mama Charley taught us her last lesson. That death is simply part of the journey. We gathered around her bed as a family, each with our own memories. We laughed until we thought they might kick us out, we listened to each of her grandchildren tell her of the impact she had had on their lives and how they were the people they were today because of her influence. Mike, Cindy, Larry, Lesa and I remembered the good times, laughed with each other, held each other up and gained strength from the strong family chords that were forged so many years ago.
It was the best of times and the worst of times and on August 30th we said our earthly goodbye to that incredible woman. Her Homegoing was a celebration of a life lived for GOD and we can only imagine the celebration that was going on in Heaven as they welcomed Mama Charley home.
And just as HE promised GOD provided a job for me which started the end of August ( check HIS timing ) with the school system. No stress! No unreachable goals! No politics! A job with committed Christians in a low income school with no limits to the prayer needs. A mission field as much as any place in Africa would be. I am so thankful for this opportunity.
But then in September I began having the same symptoms mom had experienced. Low oxygen, persistent cough, no energy, etc. as I saw one doctor after another they all assured us that it had nothing to do with mom (as they ordered the exact same tests to be run as she had). My mind wanted to fear but my FATHER said "Trust ME. MY grace is surely sufficient for you." On December 12th I had an open lung biopsy (just like mom had) but after a few days in the hospital and a few sleepless nights we got the results from Mayo Clinic. Rheumatoid Arthritis....causing inflammation in the lungs. Bizarre diagnosis, totally unexpected, not a good thing but very treatable and so much better then it could have been.
And all the time my ABBA FATHER keeps whispering "Trust ME. MY grace is surely sufficient for you. No matter what you face I've already made a way for you and I will be holding your hand the whole way."
So while I'm not sorry to say goodbye to 2012, it has been a time of learning and growing and I'm stronger and have a closer walk with my FATHER because of it.
Before we welcome the new year I've got to say thank you to three of the people who GOD used so powerfully this past year.
To Larry, my rock. You remained by my side throughout. Because of your strength I was able to stand. Because I had you, I was able to say a temporary goodbye to Mama Charley. Because of your faith, my faith stood. My heart will always be yours, babe.
Mike, my big brother. The hero of my childhood. This past year has brought us closer then we could ever have been during "easy times". We've leaned on each other, made decisions that were impossible to make, laughted and cried together and never once had a cross word. You're an amazing man.
And Lesa, my sister-cousin. For 54 years ( hey, I can still say that for a few more hours) you have been my sister and the dearest friend GOD could ever have blessed me with. We have shared more laughter and tears then either one of us could have imagined. You have made me laugh when I was low and gently (yeah right) lifted me up when I was down. I couldn't have made it through the year without you. Simply said, I love you.
So now.... We have a brand new year stretching out in front of us. Nobody knows what it will hold. I can promise you there will be highs and lows, laughter and tears, hello's and goodbyes but it you listen real close you'll hear the FATHER whisper Trust ME, MY child. MY grace is surely sufficient for you."

Christmas Through Your Eyes

Christmas Through Your Eyes

It’s been three months now since you went home.  If you would have ask me six months ago, I’d have assured anyone that I couldn’t make it without you.  Yours was the first face I ever saw, the first voice I ever heard and the first arms that ever held me. You were the one that taught me about life, about laughter and most of all about JESUS. You were my mother, my teacher, my confidant and my best friend. Live the rest of my life without you....no, not possible.

I know the Bible teaches us that we don’t grieve as the world grieves who have no hope and my mind believed but my heart wasn’t sure.  I knew that the Bible promised that GOD’s grace was sufficient and HIS peace was unlike the peace of the world and again my mind believed while my heart cried out for proof. And then you took your last breath, and shed the shackles of earth and flew into your SAVIOR’s arms and my heart knew. My heart knew GOD’s Word was true and HIS promises enough.  My LORD became my COMFORTER, my PRINCE OF PEACE and my HOPE OF THE AGES.

But then came the holidays.  The first ones since you left.  Thanksgiving....your favorite day and a day we had shared for 53 years. A day we had made a tradition of seeing how much food we could cook, how many people we could crowd around the table and how big a mess we could make. Could I possibly get through Thanksgiving without you? Again, my heart said no and my FATHER said “trust ME”. Was it the same, no, how could it be?  Was it good?  Absolutely! With lots of food, close family, a lifetime full of memories and even more laughter we got through the day and when I remember Thanksgiving of 2012, it will be with a smile.

And now Christmas time is here.  With sparkling trees, beloved Christmas carols playing and memories of past Christmas’ crowding in to my every conscience moment.  Memories of a wide eyed little girl, clutching your hand and staring in wonder at the animated store windows.  Memories of early Christmas morning trips to grandma’s house.  Memories of the family gathering at church during midnight mass on Christmas eve.  Then for the past ten years since dad went home we traded places.  I was the one handing out surprises to you.  A surprise every day from December 1st through the 24th.  Little surprises like a plate of cookies and big ones like an impromptu trip to Savannah. And how you loved them! You were like a little girl waking up at midnight to see what was in store for you that day. 

So, the holiday season is upon us and everything I’ve known has changed.  And on top of that I have been facing some physical challenges.  The energy I’ve always taken for granted is gone and I find sometimes that it’s all I can do to get through the day.  But when we are weak, GOD’s strength is made perfect! When I don’t have the power HE supplies all my needs and during this “down time” I’m finding HIM opening my eyes to so many new insights.  I was feeling so sorry for all the things you would miss this year... ..... did I really say that?  Did I really think that? Really?  Seriously? The things YOU would miss? I’m sure that you and dad and the angels got quite a laugh out of that. You are spending Christmas with your sweetheart for the first time in ten years. You’re with your mother and father for the first time in many, many years. But all of this pales in comparison to the celebration you are experiencing for the very first time. While we know the reason for the season....you are in the presence of the Reason for the Season! While we see through a veil you are seeing JESUS CHRIST in all HIS glory! While we feel joy in celebrating HIS birthday, you are sharing the celebration with HIM! The Bible tells us that eyes have not seen and ears have not heard what awaits us but you have experienced it all and will continue to experience it all. Oh, how I wish I could see Christmas through your eyes. 

But what will we be doing this year?  Well, Christmas will definitely not be the same without you and we realize how futile it would be to try to pretend it is. Your silly little elf has found a new home with Lesa and has found himself in all kinds of mischief such as eating the chocolate ice cream out of the freezer to the delight of the grandboys (and me)! Willie Nelson’s Pretty Paper either brings a smile (or a tear) rather then the gagging reflex of past years :). Christmas shopping won’t be the same without our every 30 minute Starbucks stop. Yes, it will be different. Will it be good? We’re still celebrating the birth of the SAVIOR. We’re still surrounded by loving family and friends. There is still light and beauty all around us and we know that one day soon, we’ll all be celebrating together around the throne.  And in the mean time.....
I won’t spend too much time worrying about the things you’re missing.