It’s been almost eighteen months since you spread your wings for Home. We just went through the second Thanksgiving without you. The second Christmas without you. The second time I’ve gone through my birthday (I never thought this would be so hard) without you. Sometimes, it seems you’ve only been gone a few days and will return soon and other times it feels like forever. Words are inadequate to describe how much I miss you. It’s deeper then words, it’s deeper then tears. Today I was missing you and wishing (for the millionth time) for just one more talk with you and I decided to write you a letter letting you know how we were doing down here. Okay, you probably know all this but you alway encouraged me to put things down in writing (they call that journalling...) although you wouldn’t have thought of it! So, here it goes~
Last Christmas, I didn’t think I could handle Christmas without you so Larry and I took off for the mountains (where else would I go) on Christmas morning. BiG mistake! Not only did I miss you desperately, but I also missed the family. I tried not to think about it too much and with GOD’s grace I made it through. So, this year we went back to the traditions we had shared. Christmas eve was here with Scott, Karmen and Matthew and Steve and Daniel. It was fun and festive and I found myself having a really good time. Then Christmas morning Tom and Rita came for breakfast just like they’ve done for several years now. And Christmas wouldn’t be Christmas without Chaos at the Haase house. It was loud and wild and perfect. With more little boys then we could count and one precious little princess! We made it through and believe it or not there was joy! It is all about finding a new normal...traditions were the same yet different. Larry is now the oldest one there :) and our crowd has decreased drastically. Although, we promised each other that we would all stay close (and we are trying) it’s proving to be a real challenge. Mike and Cindy spend several months of the year in Mexico and while we talk often...it’s not the same as being together. He loves to tell me about his long walks on the beach with Bear and I tell him about the snow. I’m pretty sure GOD has given you the key to the “storehouse of the snow”! We’re finally having the start of a real winter this year!! But he’s happy and living the life he’s always wanted to live. Brad and Adam both have their own lives and while the love’s still there I miss them too. As you can imagine, Blair (mother earth) and I still get together when we can. You’d be so proud of all of your grandchildren...they all are strong, loving people with your spirit shining through each one in a completely (yet totally you) different way.
Lesa and I are closer then ever. She and Lori and I are are truly sisters. Lesa has stepped in and helped me through the rough places. She has taken over the Thanksgiving lunch plus cooked (yes, I said Lesa) a birthday dinner for me the past two years. And judging from her kitchen...she is channelling you~there was more flour on her counter then in the poppyseed rolls and she knew you were with her when she forgot to turn the Kitchenaid off BEFORE adding the flour. And we both laughed thinking about what you would have said the day she borrowed my sewing machine...are you sure you’re not playing tricks with us?
Then there’s your son-in-law...Where do I even start? The past year has been filled with physical challenges and medical unknowns and he has been my rock. Beside me every step of the way. I know I wouldn’t have made it these past eighteen months without him. He holds me when I’m weak, he protects me when I’m hurting, he lets me lean on him when I need reassurance, understands me when I cry and most of all knows when I’m missing you so much that I can’t put it into words and he just stays close and reminds me of how happy and healthy you are and how we will all be together soon. You loved him so much....I know you love him even more after seeing how he has walked beside me through the hardest time of all.
Well mama, although this has been a pretty one sided conversation (something that would NEVER have happened while you were here) it feels good to talk to you and to know that somehow you’ve heard. I miss you more each day and while there are days of deep sadness....I live in joy knowing you’re in a far better place, waiting for us to join you. I love you from here to the moon and back.
Tammy
